And so we come to the end of March, and few more weeks left before I'll be off to Miri.... Yeay! Ok, maybe not so yeay, but you know after a while rite? Ok, serious time! In the midst of excitements and joy of enjoying my semester break, I came up thinking as my mind come across all of my friends I've made at Johore here. At there, I was thinking.....
"Am I Changing A Lot?"
Since I've moved here, from last year till now, I could see that I've changed. A LOT! Changed in my appearance, like I'm more sensible towards current fashion. That's undeniable, okay. Even I bravely changed my hairstyle with undercuts, mohawk, perming and even once dyed my hair to aqua blue due to the fashion show. (I had to, even when I enjoyed being having the same style with T.O.P. during his BigBang album, Fantastic Baby) Changed in physical, yeah as I'm gaining my weight already, from 55 kg, to staggering 64 kg. Ouch, that's a lot, but it doesn't really affect my appearance. Still slim and fit I am. K-pop, yeah, I'm more updating myself with K-pop news, especially dramas and Running Man, thanks to my 'same-headed' friends... But then, as I reflect myself on the mirror for a moment, suddenly tears went down from my cheek for no reasons. And in that precise moment, I'm inspired to write and composed a song. (But we're not gonna touch on that)
Physical, I've changed, but mentally? Inner? Games of emotion? I don't know, seriously... Am I fooling myself, or am I taking things so seriously? I've been pushed and pushed, and pushed to the limit, on the verge of: "Am I doing it right?", "Did I hurt someone?", "Do I indirectly trying to go to that dark, gloomy past, where in one point you tried to commit suicide?"...
See, when I came here, the pressure is really, really, really strong.... I don't think the small witted person could withstand it. Culture shock, racism, and faith has become the stake here as I'm trying to suit myself in the society, maintaining my belief and keep studying and gain more knowledge to achieve what I wanted to be.
From the start, I always wanted to be a good guy, having a good friends and three years later, achieving Diploma in Graphic Design. Amen... But then, it became vice versa. It's harder than it should be. I was living in a society where there's a dominant, and there's less dominant. Society that is heavily political mindset, and society that thinks their race is the master of all races, due to the culture and ethnic barriers. And somehow I had changed into someone who is more realistic, someone who already understood the ways of the world, the politics of my countries, and those who were hard-wired by it. In short, I've changed into someone who are protesting over this and that. Someone who tries to stand up for something, and someone who tries to straightening up my faith, my belief as a Christian...
Don't get me wrong. I become rebellious for the right thing... There's one point where one of my colleagues mocking me at the back, saying that Christian is no good, the spreader of hate, allies of Zionism who tries to sweep away other religions and hail them as the supreme race; and I was realllly f*****g pissed off and debated with her, till a point where I just slapped her and never talked to her again. RACISM!
And that's what I wanted to avoid, because I'm a guy who loves to befriend with all, ladies or guys, no matter their race, religion or even sexual orientation. I do have friends who are gays and lesbians and I don't even care what their favorites, because after all, they're humans who do have feelings... And this is what they mocked me from behind : "Good guys gone wild". A guy that close with girls more, charming them and luring them to the valley of sins, where he'll gonna strip their virginity off, because his religion didn't say something about it..... Mother f****r! Weih, ko siapa nak kutuk aku seteruk tu? Aku rapat dengan pompuan sebab dah memang lelaki pandang pompuan dulu. Pastu nak kata aku yang asal dari Sarawak yang memang open minded sampai open dengan benda zina macam ni? Are you so narrow minded?! Kamek orang Sarawakian memang jenis open, but mun pasal benda zina ni sik pernah kamek orang sentuh? Please lah? Kamek pun masih teruna juak, yang bena-bena sik mok embak orang lain dalam lembah zina tok.... Kau padah orang Kristian sik pernah dididik mengenai zina? Mun camiya, kenak perempuan-perempuan Poli sia senang dengan kamek? Mentang-mentang kamek sik rapat alu dengan lelaki nembiak iya, terus padah yang sik patut lah? Cuba nangga statistik kes zina, sumbang mahram, GRO, seks bebas camiya... Nangga negeri kamek dan negeri kitak, rasa-rasa siapa nait, siapa dibah sia? Dasar masyarakat perosak perpaduan...
***
(took a deep breath) Okay.... That's enough frustrations for now. But then, because of the societies like this, I had changed. Not to the worst, but then changed to someone that tries to oppose people and what they've done wrong. Especially racism... But then I was heavily criticized for what I think I've done right, saying that what I did is against the will of society. But who cares anyway. Because of the, I've changed into someone who fight for what I want. A true prosperous society, without any prejudice some sort.
But then, when I looked back at what I used to: a good guy, with a good friends and wanted to have the Diploma in Graphic Design; that's where my tears dripped down...You see the whole concept, right?
***
Okay.... Done with the frustrations all those, and just gonna move on.... Stay strong, DJ, and you will soon prevail. Just remember that this is part of your struggle, a part of God's Great Plan. Just stay strong, DJ...
bro-fist...
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