After a few questions from friends and countless wonders from my head, I often asked myself . What am I afraid of? What am I running from? And why are you trying your best to dodge from those fears that you might say, "Damn, it haunts me over and over again." And here we go. Back to square one...
I'm Afraid...
I'm afraid of falling in love again... Yeap! As crazy as it sounds, as stupid as it's sounds. And how you think that this very own blogger guy kinda being melodramatic, the truth is there. I'm afraid of falling in love again. What a shame when you expect a guy who always update his status with tonnes of much-influenced-love-quotes expressions, and retweeted so much tweets from 'Love Relationship', 'Cute Text' etc-etc, but the truth is I'm so afraid to step away from being a single-guy, techno-lover, Bruno Mars fan, and appreciates being a one-guy; to someone who's really gonna gave unbounding affections, all those bulls#!t to someone who they love into...
Certainly there must be a reasons for all of this...?
And my answer: I don't have any idea. I tried to find out why and why and why. And I mean why can't I love someone else the way that an ordinary guy would do when they're wanted to woo a girl?Am I had a bad impressions? Am I really wanted to compare girls that realy have a chances to be with me with my ex's? Or I'm content with the way I am right now?
When I asked my best buddy, "How do you feel after you've been betrayed by your partners?" and he said more less like a gothic emo guy wanted to kill himself. Gosh, for all things that is good, he speaked like he's hopeless and all his purposes of life somehow shattered to pieces. But then, when I looked back of what his relationships had been, he's quite a great guy! A commited, serious in relationship, and a great man for a perfect girl. All the things that every girls could imagine of. Seriously! And still, as a neutral guy in a relationships, both parties are equally wrong actually. This guy living in a dream, where he thought every relationships would be a more serious relationships and if I'm not mistaken, he had less than five different relationships in his life. Damn, that's a commitment for a teenage guy! And yet, his recent ex considered their reltionships more like an open relationship, where she could have him and flirt with other guy at the same time! Now that's ridicioulous. So much of opposite attracts... (Commitment+Not being serious= DISASTERS!). Perhaps, that might be one of my reasons why I'm afraid to fall in love again...
On the other hand, maybe the girls that I saw might not be as good as my ex... Just admit it, singles out there! You're still single because you still expects something from your ex's right? Another chance, maybe? Just anything to repair the damages that you've done the last relationship. Now back to the stories, that 'chance' thing is also another reasons why I'm afraid to fall in love again. Because I still hoped that someday she'll give me another chance to prove myself that I'm worthly for her. No doubt. And it's kinda unfair when you gave the seats that you've been reserving for quite some time to another girl that you barely know, right?
Single... Yeah, that's my status every single time people asked me. Whether it's a dude or chick, those who wanted to befriend with me or simply a curiosity. Whether they wanted to make a move on me, or in the worst case scenario, (nu uh! it's not stalker) my very own ex-girlfriends who might still see the glimpse of hope inside me... And yet, I felt so attached by this 'single' status like a honey and a bee all those. And currently, I love being where I am right now... No need to be so fuzzy about girlfriend, walking aimlessly at your own, and perhaps enjoying with the companies of friends and families. Plus, you have all the times you need all by yourself! How's that?!
Honestly, I'm not saying this fear would last forever, no... Someday I've to face this fear and go through it one way or another. Trust me, it's not the fear of falling in love again that I'm afraid of. It's the rejections, the dissapointment, the rumours and how societies would perceives me and my girl if I would fall in love again, and I don't want to risk all that just because of my OWN happiness... Right? So I hoped that someday, the women that deserves my very own love will appreciates it and makes me no to fall on other womens but herself... If I could wish that. (A huge wish for an 18-year-old guy eh?) XOXOD
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