Is It Meant To Be?

...Karma.... Who knows when it strikes... Definition? More like what goes around comes around. And I realised that karma do hit some heavy tolls to me. Whether its really because of my past actions toward someone else,or might be not the karma.... I prefer call my situation, God's special plan... I don't know why? Just that I don't think karma is the most suitable words for that. But still, I agree the concept and the definition of karma...

Owh, hey ho, peeps... Blogger Guy login and updating...

It's been a while now since I got my first message from her. And today, right now I'll express what I'm felt from the early beginning to her. To you, and for those who read this blog from the first post.... Fragments of my life is about to be unfold...:

 ...That girl. That special girl, no one else thought it could be like this. Changing my life, changing my perspective, changing the way I am. And showing me what it's meant to love and be loved... That girl who shaping my personalities from that night, that one particular night. Night of feast, night of joys, night of love. Seem like on that moment, everything is perfect. Everything as seems as what fits us both. The night of the Lord, we held each others hand. Enjoying what it seems to be the perfect moment. And when I thought back that moment for a while, i could had just shedding my tears, slowly with a smile on my face... And wishing that moment could last a little bit longer... And when they said which moment would you want to rewind and cherish the most? Simply I want to go back to that moment...

And with that one years of being in the relationship, somehow world seems to despised us a lot... And I had to be apart from her. Too much I rejected that proposal to move away from her, and yet world has used my family, wealth, and maturity as an excuses to be apart from her. How sneaky world is... Planning such a great strategy, and with that rejection; I finally had to... Desperate to save myself from this misery, I don't gave a proper goodbye to her... And that's something I can't forgive myself that moment... Going without even giving a proper goodbye to her...

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I began to live a new life. New school, new communities, and a whole new surrounding. A guy who was born and raised at city, and now, living here at this rural area, with language barrier... I don't even understand what are they talking about, as most of them speaking their native language. Talks Iban and some, slandering me using that language; knowing that I'm just a city guy, can't understand what they saying, and here just for a while, cause I'm a city boy! I can't survive the wilderness... On that moment, I said to myself that I will master Iban language, stay at there for another four years, and making them stop calling me such words... And yeah, I do made their mouth shut! Just few months learning their language and I already master the basics... Heck yeah! I'm proud of myself... 

Another few months and I felt so lonely, alone, and wishing if only she still be by my side... That all that I need. Need her now. I just need her now... And seems that the situations still want to take away another piece of me, so they create not one, but some distractions... Trying to use the long-distance relationship as their excuses, they persuaded, slowly progressing and somehow, I found myself being in the scandalous situations, trapped between her, scandals, and the long-distance relationship... Until I finally found her... With her status as another guy's girl... *sigh... Only God knows what happen to me on that night... The night of Midnight Sonata, moon shining over the night sky, and it seems like my another half just shattered to pieces.... No words could describe what I felt that moment, just melodies of the Midnight Sonata.....

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Four years seems to be pass-by so fast... And I can't picture myself how time flies, how times made me more mature inside out, how time heals me... And yeah. time do heals. But move on? I don't know... Somewhere on December 2012, after SPM, I finally granted permission from my mum to let me have a part-time at Miri there, although she insisted that I should work at Limbang, instead of working 264km to the West-South of Limbang... And I do have reasons for all of this. Friends, self-dependance, and her... The one who has crumble it and still I keep my faith on her... Hoping for the happy ending... I just want that happy ending, without even caring how that happy ending should be...

And there... There she is... The same girl I used to love, care, held her so tight; and now, with another guy. Smile? Yeah, I'm smiling... But somehow that smile doesn't reflect whats inside... (*At this point, I can't type properly....) Seems like I should do something, and i don't know what.... Blurry, all those.... 

And this one come out... As I'm one her frequent blogger, I saw what I think might be the end... Of her and him. Me? I don't like to consider myself as a third-person, but somehow I gave my pieces... Just to let know that he would read this and consider me irritating, or trying to act nice, whatsoever, but what I've do that time is that I'm trying to keep them safe, keep them intact, and I know I was her man, but I'm trying to help... Helping by realising what he had done. Of what he see and do is wrong. Even when I know that I'm only a side character, but still I done my part.

Here we go... Out of nowhere, at her fragile state, she found someone to cry on. She found someone to hold onto, and I appreciate that... And I realised something. So much that I said to her that I understand her, but the real fact is I don't. Because I'm not her. I'm not her parent, I'm not her brother, I'm not even her special someone... All I want is to help her even when I realised what I'm going is a total blind action, even when I don't know the situation, even when I don't understand what she felt, but all I know that I used to be once, and right now, I just want to maintain who I am at her eyes... Just a simple guy, with complicated mind, and used to be her Special Someone and now, a friend...

It's a pain. A pain that I've to endure every single of my life... Telling lies, saying I'm okay. And yeah! I'm okay but no matter what I'm doing, I keep questioning myself... Am I over-reacting to what she is from my view? Am I just her friend or I'm being too much over her? Behind this smile, am I really keeping my feelings of her, or I'm just hallucinating? I'm over-reacting and that's the truth... Because I'm now trapped between the friendship that we've made and feelings for each other. And everytime I look at someone else, I only could said to myself: I can't love someone else the way I love her once... And if I would, karma slaps me in the face like what the heck am I doing? I tried over and over again to move on and get over her, but I can't... I'm sorry, but I can't... I don't know why. I don't know how.... All I really wanted is to have a real happy ending for both of us, regardless of what might be the conclusion...

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To whom it may concern, I just wanna say that I really miss you... :') Less than three, Darren Junior... XOXOD