Monday 30 December 2013

50 Confessions Why I Love Her =>

Hey hi ho peeps and bloggers... Blogger Guy login and updating....

Now, as I'm going through my oath of 'No Girlfriend for 3 Months', I was busying myself with tonnes of assignments from my campus. (Well, for that campus part I'll update that one soon enough) And then as I was looking for my earphones at the middle of the mor-night, I stumbled with these notebook from my previous school, right before I continues my studies at my campus. Without any hesitations, I gone through all pages, smiling and sometimes giggling the doodles and nonsense words that I've wrote. But on that few last pages of my notebook, I was kinda shocked to see this particular notes that I've wrote. And then when it mentioned 27 July 2013, I was speechless for a moment and instantaneously knew that I wrote this to someone before... So, here it goes:


50 Confessions Why I Love Her =>
*** 

1. First and foremost, I love her face.
2. Her smile, mesmerising yet sweet.
3. I love her stare like dang, her stare is like a laser! I can't see her eyes directly. (in short, I can't make an eye contact with her)
4. Trust me, every hairstyle is totally matching with her.
5. I always tell her that I love her each time we ended our conversations.
6. Owh yeah.... Every time I saw her, UNICORNS...
7. She's short, but that's fine. In Physics, what's opposite, attracts each other. Tall and short attracts... :)
8. She's unpredictable.... *laugh
9. She has so many stories to be told everytime...
10. Owh yeah! I love when she screamed excitedly my name whenever we had this looooooooong urgency to hear each other's voice.
11. She always follow up with the latest trends.
12. And by that, she would always commenting my appearance. (Well at least, I have my own sweet fashion critics.)
13. I love that looooooong conversations like two three hours of non-stop talking.
14. I love ( and annoyed as well) when she called her cat using my Bidayuh's name.
15. We both share common interest on animals: CATS!
16. Maroon 5, both of us love it!
17. I'm the drama-king and she's the drama-queen.
18. But unfortunately, her drama-queen skills are much more better than I am...
19. She loves to hear me singing, even through the phone.
20. On 6.45am-7.00am, there's a wake-up-call straight from her.
21. And with that wake-up-call, she always persuading me to wake up and saying good morning.
22. How I love when she said my voice was kinda sexy on early morning... XP (true fact, seriously)
23. She cares for me a lot. Like a lot.
24. She always asked what happened to me whenever she felt that I was somehow depressed, emo, etc...
25. I love her expressions when she's jealous. XP
26. And by that, I always persuade her not to get over-jealous over a small matter.
27. I love how she has her faith on me...
28. And I admire how she able to pull out the string after all of those gossips about us... (salute)
29. I love how she able to spend her times just to have a chat with me.
30. Chat till midnight? Count me in...!
31. I love how she laughed. Well, she laugh, I laugh! XD
32. Everytime we texting each other, it take about less than five minutes to receive the reply.
33. I love when she pronounced good morning, good night and even mor-night. Gosh, her voice is like a music in my head.
34. I love when we're about to tell that same words in the same time. Giggles found us after that.
35. I love when we're having a high-life, riddiciouslous conversations that makes us laugh everytime.
36. Love  when I express my frustrations towards her and seems that she's the only girl that knew and understand me the most.
37. Funny when both of us has the exact same model before - Nokia Asha QWERTYUIOP type.
38. I admire when she made a huge sacrifice that she might wanna leave her school and transfer to my previous school with me. Well, although it's a might, but I always admire her determinations.
39. I love when she felt soooooo sad when I'm about to go back to my hostel. Sad emoticons and her persuading voice just......err......... indescribeable.
40. Somehow in some of her status, it's about how she felt towards me.
41. I love when she she said "I frantically fall in love with @IAmDarrenJunior" in one of her tweets.
42. I absolutely love how she held my hand so tenderly, so soft on that 2nd May 2013, that somehow deep inside, I'm bursting in tears with that song 'Cambridge' from Kina Grannis as my background songs.
43. I love when we always going out together at Bintang Megamall, and all workers was like "OMG, it's that couple again..." XD
44. The moment when she shared a song called 'Just A Kiss' by Lady Antebellum and we had a duet on Skype, I felt I'm falling for her over and over again.
45. I always love her perserverance.
46. I remember when both of us asking how it is when we shared our future like any normal couple would do...
47. I love all of her reactions! Kinda childish, yet 'manja-manja'... XD
48. With or without glasses, she still an angel.
49. Deep down of what she didn't wanted me to do, I know for sure she did that for the benefits of me. Because she cared for me, just like any girl would do... :)
50. She had cried for me, not once but more than that. For me, that's the nicest and yet painful thing a girl can do to be, like for God's sake, how many girls could cried so hard, just because she likes, she cares and she loves that guy?

51. With this 50 confessions, for me there's seem so much ore than that. More than 50 reasons why I love you. And it seems indescribeable through words, or even anything. Something that cannot be said through words. And can you imagine this is just only about 6 months since our first met in about 5 years. Wonder if about next 5 years, 10 years or even for the rest of my life. Though we may be separated by situations, I know that someday, we maybe... Not maybe, but shall be meet again. And by that time, forever.

My name is Darren Junior, and this is my 50 Love Confessions to my Miss That-Special-Someone...
27.7.13

***
Now, I don't really know whether I really had done this, but this update is the last update of 2013.

bro-fist! XOXOD

Thursday 26 December 2013

2014 Resolution

Hey hi ho, peeps and bloggers! Blogger Guy login and updating!

... Err... I don't planning for any intro, so lets just to the main idea, shall we?

2014 Resolution 
Since I'm so attached with my Facebook so much and there's another four three days left before 2013 closes, so I'm gonna do something a little bit drastic: FACEBOOK DEACTIVE!
Yes, and I had done it...
 Well, it's because I spent too much time Facebooking, and I think it's time to stretch out a bit, get some fresh air and stop facebooking. So stop asking where I am! (Just kidding) When will I active it? I don't really know. Maybe one two months from now...? IDK..

***

Okay, so for this 2014 resolutions, I've made 5 important resolutions to be fulfilled on 2014. So here's the list:

1. GET 3.0 POINTER AND ABOVE.... Like it's schematic, right? Every university students would want those, right?

2. JOIN THE MMA FIGHTING CLUB, like at West Malaysia there, there ain't gonna be a safe walking out ther, right? Mugging, robbery, and even kidnapping is one of the most common things at there. So as a responsible guy, it would be an obligations to do necessary things to protect my own life, even when I had to give the strongest uppercut to them, and blow their groins till they screaming in agony and pain. Plus, I'm gonna make them submitted by headlock submissions till they cry out their babies off, if you know what I mean?

3. STAY SINGLE... Like friend-zoned, watching anime, and gaming all days?

4. FIND ANOTHER ONE (IF GOD WANTS IT TO BE)... like if I can't stand watching those couples show their PDA's (Public Display of Attractions, FYI) I'm gonna find one. Easy! (but I can't... But I can... I don't know?)

5. BE A YOUTUBER... 2014 is the year when I made a promise to myself that I'm gonna be a Youtuber, making a vlogging of myself and share it to everyone. I'm really thinking hard on what kind of videos should I made, and I got a lot of support from my friends and my families about it! So to simplify it, I'm gonna make the videos in which I see everything through my perspective. Like literally. Through my four-eyes perspective! Owh yeah, I might gonna make a covers, short serious videos and also some funny videos that anyone could ever think off...

***

So, that's about it! My 2014 resolutions...

To all of my peeps, bloggers and everyone out there, I just wanna say thanks for your continuous supports following my Facebook, Twitter and this blog updates, and I can't express how much it meaningful to me. And deep in the bottom of my heart, I just wanna say sorry if I ever mistreated you, ever hurt you from the inside out, and everything that I've done ever offended you. And I just wanna say, I'm sorry... (Pointing at my heart) I really am...

So peeps, bloggers, and everyone out there, HAVE A BLESSED CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR 2014 IN ADVANCE! May all those good memories from 2013 stay fresh in our minds and let 2014 be another good years for us, being crazy and yet sensible as we go to the next phase of life to come. So, cheers! :D...

***

bro-fist! XOXOD

Sunday 22 December 2013

Let Me Stay Here...

"As expected, she had moved on... Though the weight of the world has befallen upon my shoulder, but I'm gonna happy to carry this burden with a fading smile on my face... XOXOD"

Guess I wasn't expecting this to be at this moment at all...

***

Hey, peeps and bloggers.

Okay, so this might not gonna be the sweetest part in my life, but I've to type what I had to type. I'm officially gave up my hope on her. Who's 'her'? Which 'her' are you referring to? I just let that question to drifted away, let it be anyone's guess. But then, back to this blog update. How am I had gave up hopes after all the good things he had done to her? After countless chances I'd gave her, and yet the only end is always I'm expected: "Whether I'm the one who gave up hope, or she's the one who called it off..."

I don't really know how to explain this, but after all of this incident I'm inspired to compose a song actually. Maybe sooner or later, I'll post it on my Facebook or Youtube and looking forward for it. To Mea; since that day you knew my personal life, you had been my little listener and there's no one that could hear my thought as good as you... So when you knew that I'll compose this song, and you were asking for the lyric? Here it is...

Let Me Stay Here
It's funny when you expecting a miracles,
And when it's gone, you acted like there's nothing.
But who am I to be your miracle, when you can't feel the warmth.
The soft voice and the sweet touch of yours.
Faded by time,
In an endless time.
I knew, I knew, I knew,
This is it.

Cause when it's time to letting you go,
I promise I'll never let this go.
Memories when we used to be,
Cause I know when you asked me to step away, I don't.
So please just this once,
Let me stay here...

Shimmering my life, Giving me hope.
You're the one I thought I need,
For the rest of my life.
But when you went away from my own life,
Just to let you know,
You took my heart as well.
Faded by time,
In an endless time.
I knew, I knew, I knew,
This is it.

Cause when it's time to letting you go,
I promise I'll never let this go.
Memories when we used to be,
Cause I know when you asked me to step away, I don't.
So please just this once,
Let me stay here...

I'll be staying here, as your comfort zone,
Could give you another chance,
Just stay here with me, the next time you'll be here...

So that's it! A simple lyric, simple song, and maybe gonna edit and touch-up that lyric a bit, but I'll hope I could record it and post in soon enough... :) This is for you, Miss 'Her'-That-I-Mentioned... 

***

bro-fist!

Sunday 1 December 2013

Awksome Adventure?! - Angel Oh Angel...

Hey hi ho, peeps and bloggers. Blogger Guy login and updating...

While I was sitting quietly in the car, I was quite stunned by myself... And then this image of a girl suddenly emerged from my head like a wind or lightning some sort... So, here it goes. Hope you enjoy... ^^

Angel oh Angel...

I was fifth grade and well, my best buddies, Sebastian got the best of me in getting more influences to Danielle, so I was quite a bit disappointed by that. So, I set a new course. Find and search another girl, and hopefully she would be my first love. (But then, crush is crush rite? Like them and yet forgotten) And here we go. I found another one, in a rather unpredictable place. Okay, here's the clue: It's a blessing by God... 

It was every Catholics fifth grader's dream to received their first Communion, and from there, we had to go through series of Sunday classes in order to fully understand what it's meant to be one of God's children, and from there, understanding how it's great and worth it to be one of God's follower. And then, one Sunday morning, me and Sebastian (we're at the same Sunday class) sitting at the same table, chatting and laughing while our Sunday school teacher taught something at the front. And then, my left vision was like there's a small flowers at the end of it. I was like, "What's happening to my vision?" (I wanted to swear, but you guys know that I'm learning about God. So, no swearing, Darren...) And then when I looked my left side, there she is: simply flawless... It's the situations when you looked at her and say, "Beautiful Christ, she's an angel..." *saliva dripping.... ewwww.....!!! Let's call her, Ivy

The next Sunday, I've made my homework. Trying to established an 'inside girl' to provide me information about her. Who she is? Where she's live? What's her favorite songs? Favorite movies? Color that she likes the most? etc etc... (At this point you might wanna call me a stalker, but everyone did right?). But there's one things that I can't do, and yet still haunts me till today. I CAN'T EVEN SPEAK TO HER FACE-TO-FACE! Girls, if you read this, you probably think I'm stupid, because guy was supposed to have a sense of brave and just admit his feelings to the girl that he likes, but I gotta tell you, girls. That's a hard things to do, even to admit his feelings to someone he likes... Really! Even for a guys standard, it's really a hard things to do...

Back to the stories, I kinda lost my voice whenever I wanna talk to her, and when I regained my voice, she's 1.5km away from where I'm standing. And I was cracked... and then cracked again.... and then, *sitting at the dark corner, duduk mencangkung, muram dengan api-api roh kat belakang saya. 
But then as time goes on, and my last class before first Communion started, I was lost in words, lost in my worlds. Wondering how am I supposed to go through this? Am I gonna be seeing with her again? Am I'll be missing her? Will I get the chance to be with her, even if I'll have only 1% of chances that I'm gonna be with her? I don't have one single idea about that...

And then when the time I don't really expect the most, she's gone........

And there goes my chance... *sigh
But then, one years later, when I'm attending my sister's first Communion, a figure showed up from afar. Long silk hair, sleeveless top, cream-coloured pants, and from her face, I was like OMG! She's there... That girl I had crush on last year! And there she is... There and waiting for me to take a move. But then, as I was plundering for some courage just to speak to her, she's gone... Again... And this time, it's forever.... As devastated I am that time, well thank God that another fragments of memories just flashing through my mind. Because as far as I'm concerned, if this happened, my life wouldn't be like this. I just knew that... 
And what I heard right now, she's currently studying somewhere at Selangor, a part-time model, and she had met Jimmy Choo. Yes that Jimmy who had designed some high-standard shoes... Weird huh? For me to have a crush on a future supermodel...

So, Ivy whether you read this, or not... (of course you don't read this) I just wanna say thank you... Thank you for not being my first girlfriend. For me to find another suitable one to be my first love. For me to show that from something that God has planned, there comes the possibilities to find someone who I might will spend fr the rest of my life... Thank you for that... :)

***

So with that, all of my crushes I had telling you guys and bloggers before my first love come one years later... And that, my friend, is my Miss That-Special-Someone... But I can assure you. 'Awksome Adventure' will stay for you guys! So, goodnight...

***

bro-fist!

Sunday 17 November 2013

Awksome Adventure?! - Fighting For A Girl?

Me          : No lah, she liked me first...
Sebastian : I thought we have some sort of an agreement than we shared her.
Me          :Since when? If I'm not mistaken, we've fought for her before...
Sebastian : But then I proposed that we should share her. Two guys and one girl.
Me          : Wait...? Isn't that a poligamy?

***
Hey hi ho, peeps and bloggers. Blogger Man login and updating...^^
Aight? So this conversations between me and my best pal, brother from another mother, bro-mance and so on had happened this morning when both of us saw our crush that we used to liked her before, until it creates some sort of havoc and chaos... But of course, in a more funny, happy ways rather than these days dramas, when both guy fighting each other physically, just to get the girl... Trust me, when I think of that back I found that it's rather funny! Plus, I recently got a good feedbacks about the last blog updates, so here we go!

Fighting For A Girl's Heart?!
Okay. So it started during Fourth Grade when I saw this pretty Kenyah-Kayan girl in glasses. By that time, Cher was just like any other normal crush. Liked and then forgotten... (why I'm so attracted to girls who wears glassses, by the way?) This pretty girl is a total aftermath, you know? By the time you snapped from your imaginations about her being your girlfriend and woke up, knowing that she's there, you gonna smile so wide to your ears because she's too beautiful to be true that time... Fair skin, black silky hair, cute cheeks that you really wanted to pinch it all day long, and the way she glance at you like "Woah, nobody had give that glance since my last crush...!" I just don't wanna tell he name because you'll gotta know her name soon enough at the end of this update...

She's as same as the other fourth grade girls. Loves pink stuff, bring along 'Winx Club' magazines to school and kinda shy during class. As she was sitting two rows in front of me, so it's easier for me to stare at her, imagine how it feels like being her boyfriend, walking to canteen together, having Choki-Choki together while others ate their foods, and walking together back to class, giggling together side by side and all those romantic stuffs. Come to think of it, damn I was a hopeless romantic... *face slap! Back to the stories, I was doodling, scribbling the picture of me, and then the picture of her while Bahasa Malaysia class. Scribbling all my way, unnoticed and no one really cares. Just the way  I like it! (But I have no idea where I put those scribbling book. If I found them, I could had snapped it and post it in this blog update.)

Now is the climbing part. All goes well actually that time. I was trying to get more closer to her, though it takes few minutes before I regained my voice because I was so freaking nervous.But it works, because she didn't suspected anything, as long as I saw her reactions. Yes! A shimmering hope in the midst of over-turned darkness will enlighten the path for me to be her boyfriend, and yes my first girlfriend... But everybody knows if this will happen, I'll never be the same as today. No Miss That-Special-Someone, no this, no bromance relationship with Sebastian... (Just joking! :P) And thanks to this incidents actually...

Apparently, my own BEST FRIEND also had a CRUSH on HER!

Yeap, my own best buddies a.k.a. BFF had a crush on the girl I'm also having a crush on. Now now, you guys might think something like "It's gonna be a dog-fight (which is the opposite terms of 'cat-fight' for girls) and they'll gonna put their friendships at stake just because of a girl... Owh, how dramatic." Sorry fellas, but no. Well, maybe yes and maybe no, but if it is a 'yes' answer, it's a rather positive competitions.... Hahaha... Positive competitions over a girl...

This was come to my senses when I saw him kinda give a rather strange glance over her, plus he's real close to her while I'm cracking under the pressure, even just speaking to her. Apa lagi kalau mau luahkan perasaan. Lagilah teruk... And I can't even imagine if after I make a confessions to her. *Hopeless romantic... And then, during recess I asked him about that girl, and he gave me 1001 facts about her perfect images, personalities, all those... And I was murmuring to myself, "Is this the guy that soon would be my rival over her?" and then I asked this stupid question:
"Do you like her?" and he answered it positively yes... Owh, how I was so devastated. All my beautiful imaginations of me and her eating Choki-Choki, waiting under the big angsana tree has turned from my face to HIS FACE...! And then started from there, I've stepped up my games, practicing on the mirror to see which reactions is the most best reactions to be see by girls, had an inside guy to know what she's like, what she's dislike, etc etc... Frequently looking at what she's doing. (At this point, you might think I'm stalking her. I'm just want to make a research on her more further... That's all...) until the point when he realised that I do have a feelings for her, he started to step up his game too... Me in his way, He in his way, but both with one ultimate purpose: to be her boyfriend before the other 'friends' do.

One fine day, he proposed to me whether we could share one single girl.... Ok, that's unorthodox. Two guys sharing one single girl? Owh kay...............???????!!!! Okay then! So we both shake hand,  make peace with one another and sharing same thought about that girl. I really don't know whether she might realised that or not, but if she's reading this right now, she already know another 50% of that full stories. As for me and Sebastian, that part is one of the points where the bond of friendship becomes more and more stronger until what we are today: BFF... Best Friend Forever! As for her, well we've met at the church entrance this morning and it's really awkward, but then inspired me to do this. And I think you all know who comes next... :)

So here goes nothing, the girl I've mentioned is Danielle Bon Ridgeway... Miss Two-Guys-Girl...

***
bro-fist! XOXOD

Friday 15 November 2013

Awksome Adventure?! - My First Crush

Hey hi ho, peeps and bloggers.... Blogger man login and updating! ^^

A lot of my friends asked whether I could share some experiences having a first crush, and yeah.... We do have our first crush, literally. And of course like what this title says, it's really awkward to tell, but despite all my friends demand for it, here it goes. My friend, this one is for you:

My First Awksome Crush!

It started during the Third Grade where I found this beautiful, pretty, cute, that everytime when she saw you and smiled, you'll get some butterflies in your stomach... Yeah, that sort of feelings that you thinking right now. Pretty much she was flawless that time, with her cute smile, her glasses, long silky black hair that extended to her bra back strap (It feels so awkward to type that. Seriously... But you get the point, right?) and did I mentioned that she is the only girl that is l saw like in HD while others were like lower than SD, blurry all those and I said to myself like "Wow! If only she could...." and dot dot dot...bla bla bla... all those imaginations from my head like I'm about to get her. Well it doesn't... Owh yeah, I forgot to tell her name. Well, since she still doesn't know that I used to liked her, and we're currently friends AND I prefer have her name to be censored and unknown to public, in case something would be terribly wrong... Let's call her 'Cher' , Miss That-First-Crush :)

Apparently Cher is any like other normal girls that time. Hanging around with her pals, going to the canteens and every guys are looking at her and there goes saliva dripping down to their sandwiches... eeewwwww....! But I'm also one of them. Eewwww..... Shame on me... Okay, back to the story. Just like what I said, she's so mesmerizing that when I saw her right to my ways, I'm gonna hurry took a book from my 50 poun bag and read it to avoid any eye contact with her. (My weakness?) Plus I wanna look smart in front of her, although I'm not, but that's the best I could do, right...? And then when she was in front of me she asked what am I reading? And I answered with cool and yet cracked voice, "English..."
She was pointing at the book and then she was giggling. In my mind I was like 'Am I making a fool of myself... I know I'm a foolish myself, but there must be something obvious that made her laugh...' and I was looking slowly at my book that I held on my hand, slowly, hoping that I didn't do something stupid... just a teeny wenie tibby tiddy doo look and *sigh... a sigh of relieve. But then as I looked nervously on the book cover, there it is. A BIG BOLD WORD of 'MY BIODATA' full of stars and panda stickers all over my cover book. And I was like numb, crows flying all over my head, three huge dots like in anime and in my brains, EXPLOSIONS.... Not a good memories from a third grade boy, I tell you. But then she picked my biodata, looked through it and she said she'll give it back few classes later because she would loved to write all about herself in that book. I was still numb that time, but in my head, UNICORNS all over St. Joseph that time. And I was like da da da di ri dum.... da ra da da! (lagu tema Choki-Choki keluar XP). I was smiling broadly all day long after that. Triple the ride when I saw her biodata in my book, all glittering and shiny... Even the scent smells so good.

June, third grade, my class was having some sort like an table arrangement and we were facing face to face on both opposite sites of wall. And I was still can't get my eyes fixed on her. Damn she was so mesmering till I can't make an eye contact with her... I crossed my finger, hoping that she would sit next to me and was hoping like "God, please let me sit besides her.... Please please please please please please please please please please.....". And then when the teacher called my name, I was so freaking nervous that I might wanna bite my nails to pieces. And then she said, "Darren?" "Y-y-ye-yeah...?" *cracking voice.... "You sit there, at that row..." "Owh... O-Okay..." and I closed my eyes, making myself some sort of a surprise and then.... dun! dun! dun! A girl sitting next to me.... But unfortunately not Cher, but someone else... And I was like numb cramped boy with jammed mind, I don't even know what to think about. All because my hope was shattered to pieces and I was left with someone else (though she's sweet, but I want Cher!)  and I was left disappointed and the wind blow awkwardly on my back... Plus you could see souls all over me... Nah, just a metaphore only. Wanna make things straight. I'm really disappointed...

Now, between me and Cher? I'm proud to say we're an old friend already... 10 years of surviving friendship is truly an achievement. And secrets about she's my first crush? Yeap, it's still a secret until she'll figured out about this. And I hope she still haven't discover about this. not until I have the courage to tell this to her...

That's all guys... Goodnight!
***
Bro-fist! XOXOD

Sunday 10 November 2013

I'm Afraid...

Hey hi ho, peeps and bloggers. Blogger Guy check-in and updating...

After a few questions from friends and countless wonders from my head, I often asked myself . What am I afraid of? What am I running from? And why are you trying your best to dodge from those fears that you might say, "Damn, it haunts me over and over again." And here we go. Back to square one...
I'm Afraid... 

I'm afraid of falling in love again... Yeap! As crazy as it sounds, as stupid as it's sounds. And how you think that this very own blogger guy kinda being melodramatic, the truth is there. I'm afraid of falling in love again. What a shame when you expect a guy who always update his status with tonnes of much-influenced-love-quotes expressions, and retweeted so much tweets from 'Love Relationship', 'Cute Text' etc-etc, but the truth is I'm so afraid to step away from being a single-guy, techno-lover, Bruno Mars fan, and appreciates being a one-guy; to someone who's really gonna gave unbounding affections, all those bulls#!t to someone who they love into...
 
Certainly there must be a reasons for all of this...?
 
And my answer: I don't have any idea. I tried to find out why and why and why. And I mean why can't I love someone else the way that an ordinary guy would do when they're wanted to woo a girl?Am I had a bad impressions? Am I really wanted to compare girls that realy have a chances to be with me with my ex's? Or I'm content with the way I am right now?
 
When I asked my best buddy, "How do you feel after you've been betrayed by your partners?" and he said more less like a gothic emo guy wanted to kill himself. Gosh, for all things that is good, he speaked like he's hopeless and all his purposes of life somehow shattered to pieces. But then, when I looked back of what his relationships had been, he's quite a great guy! A commited, serious in relationship, and a great man for a perfect girl. All the things that every girls could imagine of. Seriously! And still, as a neutral guy in a relationships, both parties are equally wrong actually. This guy living in a dream, where he thought every relationships would be a more serious relationships and if I'm not mistaken, he had less than five different relationships in his life. Damn, that's a commitment for a teenage guy! And yet, his recent ex considered their reltionships more like an open relationship, where she could have him and flirt with other guy at the same time! Now that's ridicioulous. So much of opposite attracts... (Commitment+Not being serious= DISASTERS!). Perhaps, that might be one of my reasons why I'm afraid to fall in love again...
 
On the other hand, maybe the girls that I saw might not be as good as my ex... Just admit it, singles out there! You're still single because you still expects something from your ex's right? Another chance, maybe? Just anything to repair the damages that you've done the last relationship. Now back to the stories, that 'chance' thing is also another reasons why I'm afraid to fall in love again. Because I still hoped that someday she'll give me another chance to prove myself that I'm worthly for her. No doubt. And it's kinda unfair when you gave the seats that you've been reserving for quite some time to another girl that you barely know, right?
 
Single... Yeah, that's my status every single time people asked me. Whether it's a dude or chick, those who wanted to befriend with me or simply a curiosity. Whether they wanted to make a move on me, or in the worst case scenario, (nu uh! it's not stalker) my very own ex-girlfriends who might still see the glimpse of hope inside me... And yet, I felt so attached by this 'single' status like a honey and a bee all those. And currently, I love being where I am right now... No need to be so fuzzy about girlfriend, walking aimlessly at your own, and perhaps enjoying with the companies of friends and families. Plus, you have all the times you need all by yourself! How's that?!
 
Honestly, I'm not saying this fear would last forever, no... Someday I've to face this fear and go through it one way or another. Trust me, it's not the fear of falling in love again that I'm afraid of. It's the rejections, the dissapointment, the rumours and how societies would perceives me and my girl if I would fall in love again, and I don't want to risk all that just because of my OWN happiness... Right? So I hoped that someday, the women that deserves my very own love will appreciates it and makes me no to fall on other womens but herself... If I could wish that. (A huge wish for an 18-year-old guy eh?) XOXOD 
 


Sunday 3 November 2013

One Month of Silence?

Hey hi ho, peeps and bloggers. Blogger Guy check-in and updating....

Hey wazzup! It's been one whole quiet month since my last update. The reason? I really don't have any idea about my next blog update. And after one whole month, I'm here trying to keep in touch with beautiful creatures of God... Aight, let's skip the intro and head straight to the blog update, shall we?

One Month of Silence?

 

Last two month, I received a beautiful letter from Politeknik Ibrahim Sultan, Johor about my enquiries applying there. And thank God for that. But as old dudes quoted, "every actions has it's pro's and con's". And then I kinda stay away from everything connected to people. That's mean less facebook-ing than the usual rate, no twitter-ing, call only when someone called me and spend most of my times indoor rather than going out somewhere like I used to be earlier year. But there's a good reasons behind all of this. Seriously I do.
 
I felt somehow I dissapointed myself. That's how. October 2013 has been the most toughest month I've been through all my life. I don't think everyone would noticed that, even my parents because of the silence personalities I've developed. I rarely spoke a lot, and someone that I could depend on is no where to be found. Depressions after depressions flood in after pressures took a toll on me. I still remember one night I shed my tears so hard because of what I've been through...
 
Families? I hoped that someone would be in my shoes to really experienced it. Being the eldest son in a family might not be the best choice. The expectancy of your own parent, hoping that their first son would achieved a greater success for the benefits of the family are sometime too much to bear. I mean how could possibly a guy, who his family has obtained respects from a society, would continue the legacy for years, perhaps generations to come? When I looked back at my younger me during kindergarden, I wished that I could turn back times to feel the life where there's no worry, no doubt, never have to think so hard to get those something, and plus happiness 24/7 anyone could possibly imagined...
 
Friends? One or two might knew whats going on with me, but honestly, they can't understand the real situations..
 
Ms. That-Special-Someone? I'm happy she called me once in a while, but seriously she has a lot of problems to be concerned with. I really wanna scream out in pain from the bottom of my freaking heart (just a metaphore) to show how lonely I am. But I can't.... I simply can't.... Maybe because I'm tolerant. Maybe because I don't wanna be another burden of her. Maybe because she has so much to think about rather this. But the bottom line is, I never told her about this. Another night during October, I told to myself about her "I might be one of the most important guy, and I might had shaped her to how she is right now. But as much as I did, I might never would be the guy who will share the stories of her life with me." Maybe I will. Maybe I'm not... Maybe it's just some sort like it's more than friend but not a couple. It's anybody's guess... And only God knew better than I am... As Chester See's song... "Who Am I To Stand In Your Way?"
 
Sometime, I look at myself on the mirror and I wished that I never wanna be that Darren Junior that everyone knew. They would say, "Owh, that's Darren. That guy who we spoke earlier... One who knew how to impress girls through his drawing..." But unfortunately, not all knew what it takes being Darren Junior....
 
But when I recalled back, all this experiences I've been for the last 18 years has shaped me to this. A guy with IQ as much as 76, dedicated apostles of Christ, a guy that cherished life, love and world; bringing peace, joy and love as his missions, a guy everyone could be fond with and admired by some. And from there, I fall and stand up back from the dust and dirt.
 
A pretty good friend of me gave me this phrase in the Bible. Joshua 1:9, "Remember that I have commanded you to be determined and confident! Do not be afraid or discouraged, for I, the Lord your God, am with you wherever you go." And it totally a wide-open-eyes for me. *Thx for the phrase!
 
Well, that's all that I could share right now... Hopefully I could updating more frequent. Thanks ya' all! XOXOD
 
#Currently hearing 'Better You' by David Choi. *Bro-Fist!
 
 

Friday 13 September 2013

A Touching Hand

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It's been a while since I'm in a some sort of a relationship- not exactly a relationship that everyone realised it is, although much of you realised it. It's a relationship, a bond between guy and girl, of course; more than just a friend but not a real couple, takes time, and involves patience between two very souls, separated by distance. And when I mentions long distance, I mean a very long distance... It doesn't matter how long and that's what I want to share right in this very moment:

A Touching Hand...
 
Relationship? What defines this word...? A bond between a human to another; some sort of chemistry; a hint that you felt a sense of belonging; or is it an instinct that when you see someone, you know that they are the one for you? There's no way any words could define the terms relationship.
 
What the heck did I say that? Owh well, that's just a break... LOL
 
Ok, what I'm trying to say is that I felt touched when I watched the videos made by Wong Fu Productions, like oh damn, this video is so honest, so beautiful, and really touching... Even now, I currently watch 'The Last' right now...

It tells, it defines and it shows the meaning of how we're being love. How we love in their perceptions and how they define what is truly being loved by someone. Every time, every second when there's a doubt like why I should love her? What makes me love her? And how I should rekindle the flames between us again, it's this video that could answer that. Hardly to describe, but it's some sort of a remedies whenever I felt down because of this relationship, because of this paranoia, and somehow videos that they had made had touched my inner self and shows me why I should love, why I should cherish the love and why should I protect the love...

 
 "One of the ability about being alive is that you able to give, receive, and even lose love... What a waste when  you live but not loving" -The Last

Click here for more... XOXOD http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL7D8F6C9673794F3F 

Tuesday 27 August 2013

Thank You, Kubong..... :')

Hey ho hi, peeps and blogger.... Blogger Man login and updating!

It's been a good, in fact great ending i've been.... Good memories stay in my sophisticated head...macam lah...? But by the way, let me tell you what I've been through:

Thank You, Kubong!


I never knew I would be stepping on SMK Kubong, Limbang.... Not that it's the most famous school with ability to produce so much great students, and yet here I am, standing.... I don't want to be here.... Seriously! NEVER! I thought Kubong might be only transit school, in case i can't go to IPTA, then form 6 might be the only way... But apparently, during the UPU result, nyah engkau Darren! you don't get those..... And i said like what????!!!! Heck no, i'm not going to stay at Kubong more than one month....

But as June comes in, I realised that Kubong wasn't so bad after all.... All you need is a little bit of dedications and enjoy yourself. That's all. (except the Form 6 Modular System.... i never liked that system) And as I progress from day to day, everything seems so enjoyable... I mean everything. Got chased by admirers (LOL!), got chased by seniors, and get a taste of being the high school seniors.... From being dumped inside the fish pond (hate to say, but i've to say i enjoy that one), to being the YCS Kubong leader, and then singing till i'm having a sore throat with my buddies till the moment when firework display during school Raya after i made a speech that i'm going to leave Kubong...

Certainly Kubong had taught me one or two lessons about life: One. If there's something good in front of you, you deserved it. It's the question whether you would like to grab that, or let it slip away; and Two: Never hesitant to get whatever you REALLY wanted so much and get it whatever the cost when you know it worth so much....
So, one words or two about Kubong and my juniors?

Listen to what you whisper and keep on fighting that till the very end. You knew that you will meet barriers, obstacles, and so on; regardless about studies, love, friends, or even families but the only product is about you only... What I'm trying to say is whatever you do, you do it for your own sake. No one else... Trust me. I've been there, done that. And by the way, don't get too attach with rules and studies. the world is so huge for you to attach by those... :)

"This world is so huge to be explore. So venture all over and experience it! Show it to your friend and tell those who are still conservative how it's like to be free...." Mr Sylvester, my Art teacher...

And with that, on the evening of 27 August 2013, I'm officially step out from Kubong. Four months, thousand memories to be cherished. Four months, hundred of friends met and made. Four months, and I'm learning to be an adult... Goodbye Kubong...

So, what's next? XOXOD


Saturday 17 August 2013

Someone Who Cares For You....

Care? What other words could define 'care'? I have no idea, but i know that somehow there is someone who cares for me and cares for you as well. I know that because i know that...

Owh hey, another blog update and another thought and expression of what i am to someone. Im sorry i dont have any intro, but somehow i felt an urgent need to tell what i feel right now. To whom it may concern, heres for you:

To That Someone...

Im sorry if i havent have any time for you. Im so sorry for what you have felt during this trials and tribulations. I never knew that i might be typing this for you but heres what i wanna express to you...
***
I know uve been going through hard time, and rough patches right now. And apparently i only can do little for you. I know i cant fix you up, but please let me be that someone who could u lend on and support. Please let me be someone who could hear all ur problem and listen with deep though and feeling of what uve been through. I never could understand what situations uve been, and i dont blame u for that, because that's your choice. I knew that u are n trouble and i just wanna be there to hear ur mourning, listen ur crying and wiping each and every tears u cried. Not for someone but for urself. Nevertheless, i just wanna be there to keep u warm, be by ur side and just there until u cried ur last...
***
I know its difficult, but dont blame others. No great stories comes without a twist or two of ur stories... If u really found me annoying, thats ur choice and i dont blame u; but im there to stay no matter what kind of decisions u might be. Its a pain, really that u said u had gave up with ur life and u just want to end that just to open each and every people u concern so much of how wrong they were.... I dont want to argue about that but when u said u want to gave up, u made me feel worse... Far more worse than you imagine, cause i really care for u... As i said, i cant fix u up, but bear in mind that u have a choice: whether u just wanna gave up what u achieve, so that everyone would realised what they had done wrong; or u just wanna hear my pleas, stand up everytime i held my hand to help u everytime u fall.... Its ur choice... All that i want to say is that im here by your side together with God to help you up whenever u felt so lonely, so depressed, and when u though that World would deny you... Me, by ur side....

***
 
To Ms. That-Special-Someone, this one is for you... :')


Less than Three, Darren Junior... XOXOD

Never Again.....

Hey ho hi, peeps and bloggers.... Blogger Man login and updating.... ^^

Aight, so secara rasminya saya sudah mengibar bendera putih kat semua pelajar form 6, dan saya tak malu untuk kibarkan bendera putih tatkala orang lain mengibarkan bendera Jalur Gemilang.... But wait! Apesal saya nak sangat kibarkan bendera putih merangkap tanda kekalahan itu? Alright, saya dah officially...

....SURRENDER DENGAN FORM 6..... X(

Bukan mau kata apa, but memang susah giler tahap gaban bila belajar kat Form 6, so secara rasminya pada 3 Ogos 2013, saya telah mengemaskini permohonan a.k.a. rayuan saya a.k.a. appeal saya kt Pusat Politeknik.... Harap2 sangat2 yang saya akan kena terpilih untuk pergi politeknik, dan lari daripada 'The Nightmare of Form 6'.... Seriously.... 

Dan 23 Ogos nanti kalau saya dah dapat, banyak2 pujian kepada Tuhan.... like seriously, saya amat bersyukur; BUT klau saya tak dapat, nangis saya tiga hari tiga malam.... I mean it.... But sekarang, saya cuma dapat berdoa yang permohonan saya akan berjaya.... 

AMEN... :)

Alright, that's all for me from now... Keep on updating for more! XOXOD

Sunday 11 August 2013

Girl Who Step Into My Life: Chapter III - Faith For You...

Hey ho hi peeps and bloggers... Blogger Man login and updating... ^^

Lama sudah sejak saya x berapa masuk blog sy dan update blog nih... And yeap, saya akan teruskan blog series itu yg sekian lama saya simpan, dan rasa-rasanya patut di'share'kan kepada semua...

Chapter III: Faith For You...

Minggu Orientasi 2012, dan saya secara x sengaja terpilih untuk menjadi facilitator bagi minggu orienntasi sekolah tu. Then, someone really amazing really capturing my attention... Flawless, beautiful, and innocent... That's her, Faitholina... And yeap, dia memang menarik perhatian saya. And apparently, dia tu form 1, padahal saya form 5- so saya ambik keputusan utk sekadar rapat2 sebagai senior-junior sahaja.... Namun begitu, cara saya layan perempuan ni agak lain. Kinda special really, di mana saya mungkin lebih mesra dengan cara saya cakap, wlaupun dengan kawan... so thx....

Back to the stories, saya semakin rapat dengan Faith (Faitholina for short. I love calling her Faith) ... Saya bantu dia menyesuaikan diri dengan persekitaran sekolah, dia bantu saya dengan mana2 yg patut... Some sort like friend with mutual interest....

Till one day, saya secara tak sengaja kata yang dia memang menarik minat serta perhatian saya dan mata dia terus bersinar2... Owh gosh, macam mana nih? Ok Darren, chill down relax and blow her away... Yelah tu.... I can't...Semua sekolah dah kena tau... What to do, What to do? Ok, so sy anggap xda apa2 yang berlaku...Btw, saya sekadar terlepas cakap... Everyone would soon forget, right?

But not so fast!

Dia terusdatang mendekati saya. Kali ni semakin rapat daripada saya. Saya pun kata, "Alright this is kinda akward...?" Malah berlambak-lambak surat yang saya terima daripada dia kata ayat-ayat jiwang terlampau karat mengalahkan motorsikal berkarat milik uncle belakang rumah...So, demi keselamaan serta maruah saya, saya cuba untuk menjauhkan diri daripada Faith. Biarlah orang lain anggap kami skandal, asal bukan kapel... Itu saja yang saya mintak...

And it works... saya semakin menjauhi dia, dia pulak semakin dijauhi saya. Dan saya selamat. Khabar angin, tak ada lagi! Mcm lagu Adele- Rumor Has It! But still, ada jugak rasa kosong kat dalam hati saya, x ada org yg mengacau saya and it's hard to say but I REALLY MISSED HER...

Satu hari time selepas sekolah, saya sepatutnya meronda sekolah bersama-sama dengan kawan-kawan pengawas saya. Then apabila ditugaskan untuk pergi meronda kat Tingkat dua Blok A, saya terjumpa Faith bersama dengan lelaki lain berdating.... Dan time itulah antara yang paling saya sangat sesali, di mana saya memarahi mereka dengan begitu lantang, dengan begitu teruk smpai melibatkan semua perasaan yang selama ini saya pendam... Last2 saya kata SAYA SUKAKAN DIA depan teman lelaki dia masa itu. Then, saya heret mereka dua kepada Pengetua dan serta-merta mereka dibuang asrama........

Pada masa itulah saya mula terfikir yang saya hanyalah skandal Faith dan jugak sebaliknya... Kenapa saya begitu menghargai perasaan skandal ini? Apakah memang benar2 saya memang menyukai dia dan inginkan sesuatu yang jauh lebih baik daripada itu? I seriously have no idea whatsoever about it...

Faith For You, my fourth ex-girlfriend, and her name is Faith
XOXOD

A Light.... A Hope....

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Its been such a while since I haven't updating my blog.... Well, biasalah, bnyak sngat aktiviti berlaku, and I felt so grateful to God for that... ^^ But that's not i wanna say right now... Skip the intro, shall we?

A Light... A Hope... 

Its been a while setelah saya tinggalkan tempat tu, that very special place.... St. Francis of Assisi Seminary... And ironically, time saya mau tinggalkan tempat tu dengan lagu "His Glory Appear" dari Hillsong United tambah lagi dengan hujai renyai2, rasa mau nangis memang ada.... Seriously. That two conditions: 'His Glory Appear' + Hujan renyai2 = *sob2.... But once again, why I eagerly wanna say this? 

St Francis of Assisi Seminary, Miri... That place where one of the important events happen at that place... First event that happen at there during 2008, where I meet my first love. The love that could bring back innocent time, that love that seems u could remember over and over again.... And that girl I thought she might be Ms. That-Special-Someone.... well, who knows? Anybody's guess.... And last few days, I went there, and saw that same spot. That spot when we first spoke about 'Grace'... And I can see the reflections of me 5 years younger with her talking to each other... And slowly I went to the outside of the Seminary and I can see my reflection walking with her to Hall... And I didn't realised there's a droplets of rain that suddenly turn heavy. Instantaneously, I ran to the Hall, and saw that stage... That stage where I shared my pieces of stories, and again I saw my own reflections at there... sitting at the edge of the stage, with my long yellow-black sleeve made a sharing... And I still remember when i made my sharing, I stared at her and wonder what her reaction when she realised that... =)

St. Francis of Assisi Seminary... the place when I first saw her, my first love, my might be Miss That-Special-Someone; and also the place when i said my goodbye to her.... The moment when I saw her with her luggage and her humongous Teddy Bear (Teddy Bear lover) going with her family back to where she stayed, and I still remember that I monologue, she might have a huge effect on me... Yeah... 


Few days ago, when i headed back to where I started, I felt a sudden whisper inside me... Like "Here you go, Darren! You came back to this Seminary for a reason. Not only because of CYA, but there's something more God wanna show to you. That place u knew so well.... Hope, Darren. HOPE..." And yeah, I do believe there's a hope inside what God has planned for me...

One week passed and I finally passed my CYA leadership camp... And on that last day, i have to go to the Youth Rally Concert, waiting and keep on waiting... And on that moment, I saw her....

I saw my Ms. That-Special-Someone! Yeap, my first love is Daphne Donna, the one that I saw her five years ago, the one that I've been with and yeap, that one girl that I'm hoping so much... The one I've been waiting for so long and the one and only unforgetable by myself; because she's my first love.... So, Daph, if you read this, know that we have something beautiful inside right now that is HOPE.... =) XOXOD 



Saturday 27 July 2013

Hey Guys

Hey hi ho, peeps and bloggers.....

Its been a while since i last posted my blog updates.... Sepertimana yg korang tau, im quite busy with my assignments, kerja sbagai salah sorg yg agak penting dlm institusi sekolah and soo on.... So kurang masa saya nak update blog nih....

But don't worry, harap2 dalam minggu depan saya akan postkan sedikit sebanyak blog update.... So stay tuned, dan klau nak sngat ikuti update sy, bolehlah cari sy kt Facebook: Darren Ignatius Fernando Junior, atau follow sy kt Twitter: @IAmDarrenJunior...

Peace ya! XOXOD

Saturday 22 June 2013

Girl Who Step Into My Life: Chapter II- 'P' for Previous Moment...

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Ok, saya dah malas dgn menggunakan Bahasa Inggeris, so rata2 blogger semua orang Malaysia, pakai BM sajalah... So, let's go to the main part:
 
Chapter II: 'P' for Previous Moment... 

Setelah kes '72 Hours of Love', sy telah jauhkan diri daripada perempuan, jauhkan diri daripada cinta selama 3 bulan... Nak kosongkan semua fikiran, yang kusut di-tidak-kusutkan, itu semua... Dan cuba untuk bukakan hati kepada orang lain yang lebih berhak untuk menerima siapa diri saya...

Easter Sunday 2010, saya sedang menunggu kawan saya nak lepak2 dulu di Plaza lepas aktiviti Easter Camp kat gereja. Dari situ, kawan saya yang sorang ni memperkenalkan junior dia. Memandangkan masa tu saya Form 3, dan dia Form 1 so ngam lah tu senior-junior.... Polly, cute, and mesmerising in her own way, dia berjaya menarik perhatian saya. Dan saya terfikir, mungkin ulang balikkah time sepertimana saya dengan Ms. That-Special-Someone dulu? Berjumpa time aktiviti gereja, pandang awek dan ZAP! Mata terlekat saja pada awek tu... Dan saya terfikir, tidak mungkin lah. No way...  Tapi apabila difikirkan kembali, memang hampir serupa kedua-dua situasi...

Balik semula kepada cerita tadi, kebetulan kami ambik trip bas yang sama... Dan kami duduk di tempat yang sama, sebelah-menyebelah... Time saya masih baca mana2 catatan yang saya tulis time Easter Camp tu, tiba2 kepala dia tersandar kat bahu saya masa dia tengah tidur. Yalah kan, letih sangat, so saya fahamlah keadaan tu. Malah saya biarkan saja dia tidur dengan kepala masih tersandar kat bahu saya sampai saya smpai ke rumah kesayanganku ini... Chewah!

One week later, dia sering jumpa dengan saya, tepuk belakang saya tlampau kuat tahap Godzilla sambil menjerit nama saya. Ada jugak pasal homework yang lansung dia tak faham, dia tanya saya, malah belanja saya pun dia ada... Dan satu benda yang kami memang in common ialah CHELSEA FC! Bola kami layan, Chelsea kami cakap... Non-stop! Dia asrama, so saya jadi sumber utama dia untuk berita2 terkini bola... Such the passion...

Masuk pertengahan bulan Julai, saya terima pelbagai khabar angina, rata2 semua kata yang saya dan Polly nih hangat bercinta. Mula2 memang saya menolak keras dakwaan tu... Next day, dah merah muka kalau orang cakap macam tu, malah pandang muka sesame sendiri pun dah merah2 macam delima. Next day, sudah angguk2... Malas mau kata. Padahal dalam hati sudah suka sama suka... Sampailah time bila dia menghantar satu surat (malangnya, saya sudah hilangkan surat dia... :c ) kata yang dia memang2 dah sukakan saya. Habis satu tingkatan 3 2010 kecoh pasal tu! Saya pun beritau yang saya mempunyai perasaan yang sama terhadap dia. So saya luahkan kesemuanya. Pieces by pieces... Malah saya sempat nyanyikan lagu 'Sempurna' kat dia... Sebab lagu tu saja yang saya dapat fikirkan pada masa tu.

Dan dengan itu, bermulalah sebuah kisah cinta 'malu2 kucing' antara kami dua ni... Kadang2 lyan sesama sendiri, kadang2 tak layan. Bukan mau kata ego lah, tetapi malu bah depan kawan2... Mereka pun buat mata sepet sambil tersengih-sengih tengok kami dua... Doih...! But still, kadang2 kami  balas surat, hantar hadiah, malah dia juga encourage saya untuk belajar sungguh2... Perkataan Gambatte  selalu saja dia ungkapkan pada saya... Sampai PMR saya dapat 6A 1B gara2 sokongan dia kat saya... Terlampaulah hepi over the moon saya nih... Dialah antara first five yang tau result saya time tu, dan dia pun tumpang gembira sangat2...

But in every stories comes a bad part... Selepas saya memperoleh 6A masa PMR lepas, banyak sangat junior saya yang masa tu akan menghadapi exam PMR minta tunjuk ajar saya. Dan apabila saya kata mintak tunjuk ajar, saya maksudkan yang mereka pun cuba untuk menarik perhatian saya. Polly masa tu tau yang dia menghadapi banyak sangat saingan daripada perempuan lain, gara2 saya... Doih...! Pening kepala saya. And the worst part is saya tidak berapa luangkan masa dengan dia kerana terlampau busy dengan membuat kelas, buat nih, buat itu... Malah apabila dia mintak saya ajar dia, saya dengan kata2 yang sampai sekarang masih malu kerana kata camtu: "Ala... Tu senang sangat tu. Cikgu kamu tak ajarkah? Buat sendiri. Saya lagi busy dengan benda lain..." Saya lansung tak tau dia nak minta perhatian daripada saya, dan memang sampai sekarang saya bertanya dengan diri sendiri kenapa saya sanggup kata macam tu kat dia?

21 Februari 2011, 11.38am
 
Satu minggu selepas Hari Valentine, saya terima satu surat daripada kawan dia... Kat depan surat tu ada satu lirik lagu... Sorry That I Love You... First2 saya lansung blurred apa yang dia maksudkan... Then saya pandang kat belakang, ada satu not kat belakang:
 
 
Darren, sorry klau sy kata camni, ttp sy rasa dah tiba
masa kita putuskan hubungan ni. Masalahnya,
saya nak focus pd pelajaran saya... I'm so sorry.
:'(
 
Ms. Your Angel, Polly...
 
 
And I said to myself, ini adalah alasan paling bodoh yang pernah saya dengar. Like, cuba tengok secara realiti! Dia ada teman lelaki yang pandai, merupakan antara pelajar contoh 2010-2011, dan dia nak lepaskan begitu sahaja?! That's the most stupid excuses...! Walau bagaimanapun saya tetap sabar, mungkin dia terlampau mengikut emosi, dan bagi dia ruang sedikit. Malah saya stalk apa dia buat, dan mengapa dia melakukan semua nih... And the reality is not what it seems to be...
 
The reality is she got someone else behind my back!
 
That explains.... A lot! Rupanya semasa saya terlampau sibuk dengan hal2 lain, dia menjadi terlampau cemburu dan cari orang lain untuk melepaskan kerinduan yang sepatutnya dilepaskan kat saya. Why am I so dumb???!!! And for four consecutive nights, I cried... Who cares what the hell they say about me. The reality is I cried of what she had do to me. I cried of what I do wrong to her, and damn... Morning? I lost interest in study, I lost interest in computers, malah I don't wanna see her face anymore. Kawan saya dianggap saya sebagai musuh, kerana lansung tidak memberitahu mengenai kes curang ni, dan buat kali kedua, saya merasakan satu dunia bencikan saya... Satu dunia hina saya, maki saya, dan saya rasa sorang2... Terima kasih dunia... Terima kasih kerana telah meludah saya, menendang saya, dan memaki hamun saya... Tu saja yang saya dapat katakan pada diri saya. Buat kali kedua, saya menjadi pesimistik...
 
Sekarang, memori hanya sebagai kenangan saja... Just a record in ur head to be played over and over again... Dan saya banyak belajar daripada hubungan ni. Mesej? Berlambak.. Malah kalau nak disebut satu per satu, saya kena buat blog baru. Tetapi saya masih menyimpan satu kotak pen dengan bulu fluffy merah jambu kat hujung dia dengan satu ayat yang ringkas: Love You With Every Single Of My Breath- Ms. Your Angel ^^ Dan saya mengeluh setiap kali itulah saya pandang...
 
 'P' for Previous Moment, my third ex-girlfriend, and her name is Polly Urie... XOXOD
 
 
 


Girls Who Step My Life: Chapter I- 72 hours of Love...

Hey hi ho, peeps and bloggers... Blogger Man login and updating...

So many of my blog updates is mainly about Ms That-Special-Someone, a.k.a. Daphne Donna. And i'm kinda  getting reactions, like: "is there any girls that had stepping into your life other than your Ms That-Special-Someone? Like you can't just clinging on her after few years?" Hmm... Nice questions really. So i'm going to write and share with you all a series of blog updates, entitle Girls Who Step My Life... Well, let's just skip the intro, shall we?

Chapter I- 72 Hours of Love...

It all starts on September 2009, when i saw a girl. Ida Bundan, same age, and Iban... Lovely, actually. Seductive, sexy, and elegant, she manage to appeal my eyes. And apparently, she's a playgirl... Yeah, i fall in love with a playgirl... But hey, ask a guy whether they had fallen in love with a playgirl, and they would answer YES. Yes, every guys had fallen in love with a playgirl before... 

She gave me a sign. A possible sign to make a move on her, and i did. She accept it, and instantaneously we do what boyfriend-girlfriend do for that one whole day. Having school break side-by-side, she gave me a flying kiss, and i gave her a sweet, beautiful drawing of her. Pinch by pinch she gave to my arms, suppose to be an act of 'manja-manja' but it turned out to be a full red, painful arms she gave it to me. But who cares... As my friend told me, "you're in love, what your partner doing, you just enjoy it..."  That first 24 hours might be the best 24 hours of the day. But still, i aware that she's a playgirl. So i kept reminding myself not to fully loving her...

Next 24 hours, 48 hours she told me that she haven't got her breakfast, so i treat her breakfast, but when the time i asked whether she wanted me to accompany her, she insisting that it would be the best not to accompany her. Ok, i understand... So, i gave her some space like a nice gentlemen. Then, few hours later, she asked me more money, with the reasons that she wanted to have a snack. Ok, so i gave her RM5 to satisfy her need... But then, half an hour later, she asked me for MORE MONEY! Now, this ain't right. I told her that i already gave all my money for today. But then, she threaten me using the name 'relationship' to get what she wanted. Owh now i get it, she though that i'm the teacher's son, that's mean i'm rich and she would get easy money, just by asking from me.... Slick, annoying, and materialistic girl. Since then, no flying kiss accepted, no sitting side-by-side, no more 'manja-manja'; just a cold space between us...

Night falls, and i'm thinking whether i made a right choice or not. I mean one of the reasons i'm dating with her is to make her realised that she heading the wrong, playgirl way; and it's my job to change her perspectives. Silly me... 

So on the third day, 72 hours, i confronted her and asking for the break-ups... First reactions, she shocked. And then, she smiled... She accept it, and go away without any guilt on her face. I still remember one of her last words: "I never though I would fall in love with you. Too many guys that could offer me anything, but then it all falls on you..."  Whether it's a compliment or a sarcasm? I certainly have no idea... 

72 hours of love, my second ex-girlfriend.... She's Ida Bundan... XOXOD


Darren, Welcome To The 18....

Hey ho hi, peeps and bloggers... Blogger man login and updating...

Looks who's here! I'm officially become 18...!!!! Yeah!!!!! Feeling so dang great and superb... But as what people said, 18th birthday is kinda different than the last birthday, cause seriously, 18th birthday is a day where you step up from a small timid kid, to a large grown, mature men... And yeah 18th birthday is different... Here you go, after 5 days:

DARREN, WELCOME TO THE 18TH

17 June 2013, and i'm feeling quite good of myself. Heck yeah, on the bed, and thinking something might will happen, but nope... I'm hoping that not all knows my birthday, because i dont wanna go through that one birthday tradition my school has been practicing... THROWN INTO THE FISH POND! Hell no! So, i resolve to myself, don't get too over, and just be in 'silent mode'... And somehow, i made it so well in the morning. No one talked about birthday something... That's good....

Morning class, and everyone just wished me birthday, and somehow its like contagious... One after another, i had to put aside my excited birthday mood, and just shake their hands, smiling... Seriously, its kinda boring... No cake, no candle, no families... Yeah... From my first to my seventeen birthday, there's birthday cakes, singing, and present-giving on the spot. Now, it seems like there's nothing to be celebrate about... Sigh after a sigh went in... Till the moment when one of my friends wishes happy birthday in front of few members of my dorm. And CHING! Their eyes glowing.... Kinda scary, you know when u have to keep it secret to avoid any mishaps of thrown into the FISH POND, and somehow they notice something ain't so right...

Noon comes and still the same thing... Boring, unnoticed, silent noon... Sampailah the moment when some of my girl-friends (kawan perempuan, not teman wanita) asked me to see them 4.30pm at the Surau area... Owh yeah, did i mentioned their face kinda serious?!

4.25pm, i meet them while drinking Pepsi Twist... And with their 'poyo' faces, they interrogate me all sorts of stupid jealousy questions. And i said WTH are you talking about. I understand none single of it... Well, ok i know i've been a little sweet-talker with other girls, but hey it's guy's nature, yeah? Plus, it's just a bit.... But still i kinda nervous about that, and BOOM!!!

A handful of flour thrown at my FACE!

Dang it!!! I've been tricked by them! With a huge voices, they sang Happy Birthday to me! And that moment, my very own tears dropped. Not because i felt touched by them. It's because the flour impact on my very own cornea.... Ouch! But nonetheless, i enjoy it! And then, Flour Shower mode (extracted from Champagne Shower. LOLZ) and all my fellow buddies can't escape my Birthday Flour Wrath... Muahahahahahahhaha.... *evil laugh....

And with that nice flour on my hair, face, and clothes, i came back to my dorm, and everyone noticing something different. As long as the Kubong tradition, the one who got the flour on their head is having their birthday. Damn it! They knew my birthday is today... With their glittering eyes, they looked at me. Owh yeah, in 'udang di sebalik batu' perspective... So i made my mind, take my evening shower real fast, get dressed and get out of there real fast befor anyone noticing i'm not there... Yeah! Good plan.. And it went so damn well....

Twilight ends, and night come and somehow i could manage to stay away from that FISH POND... Just few more hours, and i'll not only gonna break away from this curse, plus i'm gonna break a record as the first boarding school student who never dived into fish pond. Hell yeah...

10pm, i took my supper and get into my bed real early before one of my room-mate asked me to fetch some hot water for him to cook his noodle. In my half-asleep mode, i go and fetch the hot water downstair. Then, hands of guys grabbing me at the back, spilling out the hot water (fortunately no one injured) and i found myself being carried by all of my room-mates! Nonononononononononononono....!!!!! This can't be happening! And the next thing i could remember...:

I'VE BEEN THROWN INTO THE FISH POND....!

Mother father Gentlemen!!! Damn it!!! With huge applause, laughter and screaming, i grinned myself and finally said: I'm already 18... Congrats Darren! It's been a wonderful, epic 18 years of life, and i'm enjoying it!!!  Well, except that i've to bath all over again, and wash my clothes extra hard... But hey, at least this 18th birthday is really epic... 

All right, guys. That's all i wanna share with you guys... Hope to update my blog more often! Last but not least, Welcome to the 18, Darren... Less than three... XOXOD

Sunday 26 May 2013

Four Season's of Us...

Hey ho, peeps and blogger. Blogger Guy login and updating.. ^^

Inspirations by inspirations flows in my head, spilling it out and I just wanna express this inspirations through modern literature, short stories. This is my first short stories published to be seen by everyone. Four Season's of Us... Enjoy...^^
 
Ward 6B. Silence, no distractions, without any noises. Just a murmur from the patients and nurses, roaming inside the ward. At the corner, a distant figure in his early twenties, a guy anxiously waiting. Eyes on the operation door, waiting for something, somewhat. What is it? Anybody’s guess.
         As the maple leaves fall down to the ground, he thought to himself. Autumn ,when it all crumble to ground. Where life would meet the death, of what every meet would come and they had to say goodbye.

        And at there, he held close a paper. A piece of what he is. A piece of what he waited for so long. A piece of what he think might be the last for her...

****

8.35pm on the Saturday night, and Jason walk down the street of Los Angeles, shivering and cold, crossing his arm across his body in mild winter. Almost few hours left before Christmas and he is on his way back home at the Fifth Avenue. What he could bought from the grocery is just some Christmas treats, cookies and a warm Turkey meat. All by his own, as he celebrate Christmas alone- for the second time.

          On his trail back home, his eye pick up something interesting. Christmas landmark, the huge Christmas tree; might be forty fifty feet above the ground, beautifully decorated with neon lights, colourful ribbons, Santa’s, stars and all sorts of decorations all over the tree. And underneath part of it, there’s a lot of paper, knotted neatly at the fig, wished by people of LA; said that when we wrote our Christmas wishes on a paper and knot it at the Christmas fig, your wish will come true. He knows none of that is true, but he reach out a red paper and a pen, wrote what he wanted at that moment and knot in onto the figs.

          And when he turns to resume his way-

          He bumped into someone and fell down at almost the same time. As he rubbing the aching part of him, a hand lend to him. He tilted his head above and saw a lady. That lady he had bumped into. He gave his hand to that lady and straighten his back up, stand up and pick up his groceries.

          “I’m truly sorry for that...” that lady kept on continuing.

          “It’s okay. I’m alright.” Jason kept on saying the same script over and over again. He helped her with her luggage and gave it to the lady. That lady thanked him, saying sorry once more and kept on going her way, rushing to be exact.

          But then, he noticed something above him. A mistletoe above them a few while ago. And he knew he would be going to see her again somehow. And that is what he hold onto on the eve before Christmas.

                                                         ****             

As the snow faded, ice melted and flowers popped out with the shine of the Sun, Jason prepared to go through his third semester, his second year as a student, taking Degree in Medical Engineering at the University of Los Angeles. And as he kept looking and studying his Calculus book, he heard a somehow familiar voice.

          Hye!

           Jason tilted his face and saw the owner behind that particular voice. As what he expected, it was that lady he bumped into on that last Christmas. He grinned and replied back with a hye.

         “Wait a second...” that lady said.

         “What is it?”

         “Are you Jason Ngu, that nerd boy during elementary school ten years ago?” she asked.

         “Erm, yeah?” Jason answered, embarrassed.

         “Hye Jason! I’m Claudia. That Claudia with that huge glasses!”

         “Right...” Jason unsure of it. She seemed to know it.

         “That Claudia with two ponytails, always sitting down the maple tree?”

         “Owh right! Claudia...! Claudia Truman, right?!”

         YES!”

         From there, they bond a Long-Lost-Found friendship, and funny when they instantly keep on growing closer and closer, having lunch, study and walking down to their campus together. Funny when they found at the elementary school as a stranger-that-I-know, and reunion at the Christmas tree, only to found out during Calculus class. Sharing each other’s secrets and sometime, slandering people at the back. Funny...

         At that moment, she told Jason something, a secret known only by few of Claudia’s friends and families.

         “What would you like to tell me?” he asked.

         She hesitated at first.

         “If you don’t want to, I’m okay with –“

         “Wait! There’s something you would like to know another piece of my life.”

         And she told her untold, undeniable secrets that she can’t contain no more. Hard, slow yet understood by Jason. Her Once-A-Happy relationship with a guy. Randolph is his name. She told him that she would have given another chance to Randolph, and still she kept on waiting for him.

         But then, Claudia coughed so hard, Jason saw something bad. Seriously bad. A tiny spots of blood stuck in his view. She coughed in blood... and he asked himself, what would the next bad thing happen next?

****

Alarm clock rang loudly, shattering the silence in the room. A hand reached out and pushing the alarm button back. He woke up, stretch his back, his head and his arm. Yawning and adjusting his pants and pyjamas, he walked to the shower, dress up and having his usual bacons and egg with a cup of Arabica coffee. Perfect.

         Dress up with his vest and fedora hat, he drove to cinema and waited for Claudia to show up. He knew the ladies ‘rule’: When she said she would show up in thirty minutes, she meant like almost one hour, because they would take more time to look more outstanding. He giggled a bit of that feminine facts, and kept on waiting at there.

         Almost three hours and still haven’t arrived yet, he reached out his HTC One smartphone , searching for her name in his contact list, and pushed the Call button. But no avail. Called her once more, and the call being diverted. He tried to call her a dozen time but seemed that he cannot reach her phone. With a sigh, he drove his Mercey away from the cinema, cancelled his plan he had done with her for the last three weeks.

         Daylight passed and moonlight emerged, he grabbed his phone again in the midst of his assignment. With his table light flickered and a warm Arabica coffee, he tried to call her again and again, and still he cannot reach out to her. It continued for another two days but still, she have not picked up the line.

         After few days, Claudia called him.

         First call, missed. Second call, missed. The third, he answer it in a split second.

         “Hello, Clau... What happened? Where were-“

         “Randolph rejected me.”

         “Why?”

         And she explained everything from the early until the moment when she called off her phone, tears dripping over her cheek and she sobs all night. What Jason could do at that moment is to hear her. He cannot understand her situation. He cannot understand what she had been through, and no matter what, he cannot understand her. He can’t even offer a help to her. But at least he could help her by hearing her problem, and possibly run his thumb across her cheek and saying that she’s strong enough to go through this.

         An empty silent, distance over blocks away and he wished that he could be by her side, hug her close, and comfort her with whatever he could do. Just a few words. Few moment, and that’s what he wanted the most.

         At that very moment, he heard a hush, then he could hear Claudia suffocating , a loud thump and –

         Blank. She called it off. In a heartbeat, he reach out his Mercey car key, put his phone inside his pocket, ran away as fast as he could. He drove away fast that he doesn’t care anything except for her because he knew something was wrong. All he wanted is just to save her, no matter what. He could hear his heart thumping fast. All he could do is just hoping that she is safe, while reaching to 911...

****

Right now, all he could do is muster his faith and confidence and fight his anxiety off him. He cannot sit down for a long time, he cannot even stand up straight. He asking himself: What happened to Claudia? What secret did she hide from him? Is really she having a medical condition? Is he still cannot be fully trusted by her to reveal her untold secret? Why she doing all this? And he nod, sigh of what he had been through. An epic, ironic and melancholic stories to be told.

         Wait. Why he seems to care Claudia so much?

         He thought of that for a moment, and his heartbeat seems to be thumping faster, as if his own heart answer to each and every questions he ask himself. Every monologue, every heartbeat.

         From distant, Randolph walked fast-paced toward Jason. Holding a bunch of white lilies, he showed up in front of him.

         “How’s Claudia? Is she okay?” Randolph asked.

         “Still the same for the last four weeks. Unconscious,” Jason answered.

         “How’s the surgery?”

         “They just finished operating her. Doctors said there’s a fifty-fifty possibility that she would live as the results of the operations because her lung cannot properly functioning to pump the blood over the body. Too much risk to gamble. She’s now closely monitored right now.”

         Randolph sigh and shakes his head. He knew so much that he shouldn’t do this. He blame himself for being so stupid, so dumb to realised what Claudia had done for him; the waiting, the reject, the sad moment of her and now unconsciousness, and yet his ego and pride over his own realisation. He blame himself for all of those. But what to do? There’s no use feeling so guilty of himself after all those moments shatter pieces by pieces.

         “Hey, Jason.”

         “Yeah? What?”

         “Could you please give this lilies to her, as soon as she awake? It’s her favourite,” Randolph hand over the lilies to Jason before he take his leave. Jason trail across Randolph until his figure gone, swept away by dim light at the end of the ward’s corridor.

         He walked to the outside, to the hospital park and look across the maple leaves, falling slowly, freely, sway by the soft wind that blow across the park. He pick up a leaf, and watch its texture, its complexation, colour and somehow he flashback the moments when he first bumped into her, moments when she greet her during Calculus class, of how they become friend, and a good friend; and he did not realised that he already fall for her on that very moment.

         He took that paper he held close just now from his pocket. Crumbled and read almost a thousand time, he read it again:

 

Jason,

I do think that I need to tell you about this. About what’s between me and Randolph. We met, we know, we love and all that is good. But suddenly, he disappear. No call, no text, and all he could said before is that he studied at LA, while I’m at New York at that moment.

    And so I waited for him for four years, feeling stressed out, anxious, crying every night and over-thinking what he might done at the other side. All those crying, sobering and stress developed what I’m afraid the most...

    Jason, I’m diagnosed with lung cancer.

    Seriously, Jason. I don’t know what you might react, but this is the truth. Result of those waiting for four years...

    So I moved to LA, convince him to give me another chance to prove I’m still worth for him, and from there I’m going to tell him the truth. Just to spend the my last moment with him. How foolish I am, moving to the other side of State, just to tell her man that she used and she still love, that she will die in the matter of moments.

    It’s not that I’m not trusting you when I don’t tell you about my medical problem, no... I do have my own reason for all of this, and that reason is you, Jason. I realised something, Jason. Randolph is not that guy. I knew that it was you, from that moment you comforted me, and I never felt something like that, Jason. Giving encouragement and saying that I’m strong enough to go through this...

    And here I am, writing this letter because I know I don’t have much time left... And if I’m awake at the bed, I wanted to see your concern face, so that I could smile and laugh, knowing that I still have that guy I love by my side.

    But I wake up somehow at the broad green field at the Heaven above, I will close my eyes once more and wait for the moment, where you would smile next to me at the Paradise... :’)

I Love You...

Sincerely,
Claudia

 

****

From a distant, that exact figure approaching the familiar side. Jason, now passing a month, standing at that sae Christmas tree, glittering and shining bright colourful light, as what it used to be one years ago. Of that same spot where he knotted that letter and accidently bumped into a stranger, known as Claudia Michelle Truman. But now, she’s away...

         He sigh, shake his head in disbelief and reaching out his letter from his pocket. That letter, given by Claudia to him hours before she motionless, unconscious, and sway away with darkness.

    But then-

         Two taps on his left shoulder. He turn around before he saw her. Claudia Truman with her usual cute expression. What he could do is just grinning. A smile craved on both of their face.

         “Hey, look what I found!” she said.

         “What is it?” Jason asked.

         Claudia grabbed a piece of red paper, crumbled by pressure of time and read it.

         I wish I have someone accompany me on every Christmas...

         Instantly, he knew those words. It was his wishes he knotted last year. And he began to realised, no wonder she rushed away so fast last year. It is because she took the letter from that same fig he knotted into. But what to do, what’s done is done, but he owned her something couples doing... Smiling is all they could do before they embrace each other under the same mistletoe.

         They both knot a tag by that same Christmas tree, the witness of a great love story bond between a guy and a lady who once they bumped into. Together before they held each other’s hand and walk away. While then, the tag they both knotted said:

Love, best Christmas present ever, for the four seasons of us... Jason & Claudia... <3

 

-THE END-